Caret initio et fine

Forgive and Forget

陈词滥调，但唯有如此才能真正解开心结。

Tugging at the string, it became loose. With a little more strength, the knot was set free, ripping apart the raw flesh. Yet, it was all calm. Uncannily like the island before a storm. It was not over, she knew. The token sacrifice was insufficient. Or perhaps, it will be never enough.

惊悚片常常利用那几秒平静的珍贵来衬托出过后的血腥。或许，我还没离开那部片子。它狠心的不让我拥有那几秒的安宁，继续的播出恐怖画面，就在快要得救的那一秒，突然倒带，然后重复播出，重复倒带…… 我唯有继续的跑。继续的跑。

A vicious cycle. It is a vicious cycle. From a small token of sacrifice to more sacrifices, and more sacrifices…When would it end,she dare not ask…All was done to satisfy the appetite of the beast…and in return her greed.

她告诉我，他和她的秘密。可是有一个条件，不能让他知道：我知道。这是一个，好好玩但会烧到手的游戏。

如果我告诉他，如果我让他知道，这个圆圈可能就会完整了。但是，有些事情，该讲和不该讲，只有一线之别。现在成人的秘密， 如果包含了小学时说秘密的童真,会不会就少了多一些伤心的灵魂？如果秘密揭发了，结果会是像屍体浮在水面上的不堪，还是那句“I don’t friend you”的幼稚？如果，我把嘴巴闭上，把眼睛闭上，心里的不悦是否会消失？我不知道。我只知道，他爱上了她，而他已婚。

Scene n-1:
In the kitchen: She and a watermelon.
If the forbidden fruit ain't the apple, she would wish it's a watermelon. A bit of the sweet, flaming and juicy fruit would be indeed welcoming from the stifling heat.
Perched at the window sill, was again It, that beast.
On its face, the usual lopsided smile, dropping a breath at her face, it spewed out the words : "This time your bite will satisfy your thirst, yearning and inner-most……desire. There ain't no fear, but you yourself. Go on, darling, go and take a knife, split it. Bite it."
She trembled from its growl. The sound had satisfied her moment of cravings as well as the future ones ——she never wanted to taste the red liquid again.

游泳，不是爲了穿泳衣的虚荣，而是爲了重温沉浸在羊水里的欢乐。无法坦诚相对的三人，在同个泳池里，隔着水和泳衣，练习着那份快感。

她先从水里起来，顺手拿了条毛巾。甩掉身上的水滴，手中的毛巾蹂躏着她的长发。而他，继续在泳池里用力。溅出来的水花，与我的泪水，相遇。泪水，是不舍和愤怒。他难道没有看到她的用心？她一早拖着我来和他一起游泳。因爲我们都认识。三个人不会太尴尬，而且还可以装成巧遇。我是一个标准的烟雾弹，没有拆她的台——我和她去游泳巧遇上他，就如她的吩咐。

"Why did you portray me in such a bad light" The beast asked me, while I looked away uneasily.

"I came from you and you ain't that bad...Why deny me and yourself. Why did you write about me and you in that way, using a “she”?  Why?"
It crossed and un-crossed its scrawny leg for the nth time. Yes, yes, yes. It came from my thoughts, feed on my energy and grow under my care. So why am I denying it and me? Why?

After depleting its energy from hopping around, it finally settled on the table, 0.05cm away from my arms and 1.4cm away from my notebook. Its bemused looks flashed again at me, while I type the above statement. “Why measure" It continued, "I am just a speck of your imagination. Who are you trying to prove me to? It's like that title... why Latin?"""

"Why Latin?" I repeated like an imbecile, with no answer.

我注视着从她手腕流出来的小河流，红红的，像西瓜汁。我不害怕，也不为她感觉到任何的痛。我就，只是静静的，注视她的手腕。第一次，她这么做，我帮她止血，但她掴了我一巴掌。她说，你要让我完成我的实验：心灵还是身体，比较痛。我抱着她，默默的为她流泪。是她，骂我傻瓜，骂我没用。第二次，她在另外一处割了割，我就静静的，坐着，然后递给她一瓶dettol。我不想她死于破伤风。这次，我忘了是第几次了……我再一次递给她那一瓶dettol。

It did not return after I forgot to answer it that question. It was awkward; imagine baring yourself to your own imagination. I didn’t have to. I have a right not to answer its question. The beast was just a figment of my imagination. Its unforeseen dismissal was something that I originally had looked forward while I was writing about it and she (or perhaps should not be she, should be I). It did not even return, even as I continued to spin different threads, connecting all of us, even the fictional ones.
在她的手上，烙着一条条关於他们的回忆——今天，他带她去吃西餐。但是，去的餐厅不能在市区，吃东西要匆匆忙忙。（割！）明天，他终于提起勇气和她手牵手在乌节路逛街，但他总是左看右看。（割！）我依然很安静。我不敢叫她离开他，上次暗示后，递给她的那瓶dettol撒了满地，和那几滴红色的液体，鬼画符似的混在一起。其实，除了担心她破上风死掉，我更害怕她爲了他，吞药还是做更极端的事情。割手腕，连小学生都开始割了，就应该没什么大害吧。而且，只要血不要流太多，应该没事吧，我单纯的认爲。甚至还觉得，我们才16嵗。16嵗，应该不会死吧。
We always thought that stories came with a beginning and an ending. One without both is queer and thought to be difficult to comprehend. But, how could I explain the ending when it never came? Or, try to conjure a beginning when it never happens?

最后，我还是没说，保留一点缺口让别人来弥补。

我在离开他们的时候。只轻轻的说了一句混杂着告别和想念的话。我时常在猜想，他们的结局是会怎么样？有时甚至会虚构一些我和她的结局，甚至回忆……

临走前，她哭着，抱着我，说我走了，谁聼她诉苦，谁递给她dettol? 我靠在她耳边说，我爱你。然后吻了吻她，这样就离开了。

背对着她，就无需看到她迷惑的表情，或者鄙视震惊的眼生。我一直都爱着她。她割手腕的那一刻，我爱她。她告诉我她和他的那一刻，我爱她。但是，我不敢说。每当而和她在一起，每当为她跑到药房买dettol，我很认真的叫自己改变。逼迫自己，可以关心她，但不要爱上她。

很多时候，跟友人提起一些回忆的零碎片断，友人劝我，说故事，写故事——最好正常一点，最好有开头有结尾，最好是美丽大团圆。

我没有和友人辩论的力气。

但是，在内心里，一直都会和自己尝试合理化。这个故事，不算是故事。而，我不喜欢开头，更不喜欢结果。我喜欢圆圈，那种一直绕一直绕的圆圈。圆圈里的洞可以包容的装下所有的一切，甚至那些被批评，被唾弃，被误解的没有开头也没有结尾的故事。

(2007之青春真美好）