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The conversation was painful.

The origin of your fatigue and my pain are the same. The perceived inability and helplessness to better the system.

You asked how are you dealing with it. The assumption behind the question is I'm sitting on it. Well, yes and no. After six years of smashing into walls, I don't feel like hitting myself on the cold hard surface again. I need to be patient and bid my time. Build the right tribe. Oil the gears. Then, set the wheels in motion. This action plan is based on the assumption that I stay long enough. Earn my stripes which entails sometime away.

I was hoping for something positive from you. Another lesson on expectations. (Had a round from the guru). Thus, the disappointment and pain is intense. I sat alone at the bus stop and howled. (Ya I know, full moon's over but when a lady gotta howl she gotta howl.)

We are on different paths in life. Similar interjections but different journeys. There are other streams that I'm working on. It's just that I'm not ready to share it with you.  It's even more raw and tender. And sharing it with you means subjecting it to you. I don't wanna seek that approval. And yet why do I yearn for it? Why you?

I don't know. And so I falter at the question of do you have anybody to be vulnerable to. I muttered yes. Unconvincingly. This was also the very reason why I'm working on my legs this year. Metaphorically and physically.

My different streams meandered and converged. I also got what she meant on distance and what B said about an intense friendship and staying away for a while. Yes, you are right, I need to be away and you have other people to hold your space.