練習生命（6）

it came to a stage where i begin to wonder if life is a series of recurrences. like the ebb and flow of waves, there is a certain cyclical pattern to it. eternal recurrence, to nietzsche, it's kinda horrible. at the certain moment this year, i had perceived that recurrence as horrible, thus holding back and driving people and myself to our exasperation party.

i didn't hold back my tongue that night at dinner. i lashed out (diplomatically, sans the colorful languages the old pj used to pepper her sentences with).  she gave me two insights - i frown and my angst makes me a difficult person. i was still wondering why there were lines forming, damn. she texted thereafter, claiming that people may have misunderstood me so let's start by stopping the frown and smile more.

she asked me why fight the system?
i looked at her, thinking, shucks, it's like what they said, leave or the system will eat you up one day.
(though in my rose tinted lalaland, i am begging for the system to eat me up, i'll do a house cleaning and detox inside the system.)
i said, thankfully we never interacted in my past life.
she replied, oh, i will brush you off as a crazy (insert agency name) girl.
instead of feeling angry, i smiled. i wish to remain crazy and one day, the world would be a more awesome place.

i liked how Lee Ang talked about active energy and how things are coming together to generate and even catalyze the next big bang in the movie industry. there was also a certain kind of humility in him to acknowledge that things may fail and should it fail, please do not stop trying or using this technology. there was also another point he raised on celebrating diversity, i.e. pls don't kill the oldschoolway of filming movies.  i am so looking forward to his movie. it was the same excitement i felt when you were sharing on the beauty of post production. how technology could transform day into night or when you shared that piece of work. both were mindfucks.

i still feel the pang of cutting away. i do wonder how long does the pang takes to fade and why do i feel the pang. sometimes i laugh at my insanity. sometimes i wish some higher being can hand me a manual and say, here's the books of answers. there was a part in the talk/dialogue that Lee Ang said about holding on to our questions and no rush to form a conclusion or an ending, cos that is what directors are paid to do. i threw head back and laugh.

#lifeasitis